Grace Isn't Fair

Not too long ago, one day/week I was thinking about all the mistakes I've made just since coming here. 

Rainy season has started in the Dominican Republic. 

My deepest flaw is wanting to be perfect. 
I'm not talking so much about perfect on the outside (although, I confess, I am a neat freak) but more about being the perfect person - the best friend, the best sister, the best employee, the best girlfriend, the best Christian, the best daughter, the best ______. I want to be the best, perfect in every skill, every attitude, every motive. To love without condition, the work selflessly, to never make mistakes, to always embody perfection. 

I was so happy to find a beach
with shells to use in making
center pieces for our coffee
table! 

The hurt happens when I not only mess up and am not perfect but when it also affects someone else in a negative way. Then it's like a huge crash happens and a collision inside of me makes me question every skill, every attitude, and every motive I've ever had since the beginning of time. The battle in my mind of Maybe I'm just a fake! or Is it actually worth it since I'll never reach perfection anyway? crash in like a raging storm and I'm left questioning my value. I'm left feeling broken and wondering if anything I do is out of a genuine heart or if deep down it all just comes from wanting myself to look good. 

A team from Georgia put on a couple's
conference in Miguel's town this past week.
I was so thankful to have time to go
for half of it. 

This collision point usually happens after a stretch of time that I've been trying to do it on my own. Maybe it's because schedules are so crazy and the nights are long or maybe it's because of a million other reasons but when those collision points happen they always happen during a time when I've let go, even just a little, of the Anchor who holds my soul steadfast, and when I get too wrapped up in my needs, my work, my weaknesses. 

Without fail, the only answer that resolves this feeling of utter imperfection in me is when I take my eyes off my own failure and focus on the Source of Hope, the Giver of Life, the Author of Perfection. 

Time spent with this man
doesn't happen often enough!

When Jesus said, "Be perfect as your Father is perfect." He never meant for us to do it on our own. He also said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Perfection in weakness? Beauty in brokeness? Joy in sorrow? It sounds so backward, so out of place. 

Grace
There is so much beauty that lies there. When I encounter the real meaning of grace I discover real hope. In my pursuit of perfection I find myself too weak, too inadequate. I will never, on my own, find perfection or reach perfection. It's an illusion that moves further beyond my reach anytime I think I'm getting close. But with grace, the very factor - my weakness - that keeps me from being perfect in any sense is what makes Christ perfect in me. 


Now.
That's all good and fine to understand and learn as Christians. BUT the battle has been trying to demonstrate this and teaching it to our girls.

Imagine your deepest hurt. The wound that may still be bleeding or is still sore when you touch it. Maybe it was betrayal by your best friend, an absent parent, a death. Your deepest wound. 

I was able to take off for a
week in May to visit Guatemala. 

Multiply that by ten. Literally. Imagine having that same thing happen to you ten times, in ten different ways.
Now, go to another place with me. Remember back to when you were 13 or 15 maybe even 17 years old - your highschool years? The transition between child and adult. Trying to find your own place in this world, your own identity, your very own purpose. It was confusing at times. It was hard to see ahead for more than a few weeks or months at a time. Sometimes even looking past "today" was a struggle. Everything seemed complicated. If you had the privilege of growing up as a Christian with a strong faith in Christ, many questions like What does God want of me? What is wisdom? What is authority? were familiar small group conversations. 
Going a little deeper.
Take Christ completely out of the picture. 

After an amazing week in
Guatemala (still feels like
home) Rachel came back
with me to the DR for a week.

If you're still with me you'll be able to imagine a little of what is going on inside the hearts and minds of these precious girls. A teenager already living with years of betrayal and abandonment, never knowing what hope or true love really is. 

Our little Problem Child made some bad choices this last week that put her in a place of not deserving grace at all. Her behavior has affected the other girls and they would rather see her "getting what she deserves." She doesn't deserve another chance. Yesterday we were in this position of having to make the choice of extending grace to one girl while still needing to do what was best for the others. The decision we made upset the other girls and afternoon classes were canceled as we worked through arguments and upset attitudes.  
How do you explain to someone who has never received grace why we chose to extend grace to someone who doesn't deserve it? 
They think we're just making fools of ourselves.
Trying to ask them if they wouldn't want to see that same grace extended to them if they would be in that same situation doesn't work because they can't even relate with that mindset yet. 

Grace. It isn't fair. 
God chooses grace and in our brokenness sees the perfection of Jesus instead of our weakness and inability. 
Grace shows beauty in brokenness. Joy in sorrow. Perfection in weakness. 
Grace isn't fair. 
But it's, oh, so beautiful...



{ Matthew 5:48 }
{ 2 Corinthians 12:9 }