I heard you, just now - the ones who insist it's not that different, as long as you make sure to do x, y, and z; as long as you get past the first 6 months; as long as you continue to prioritize date night; as long as you establish rhythms; as long as you define expectations and roles; as long as you remember your spouse is your best friend; or as long as you do a host of other things - mostly very good things! I'm just here to say, although my husband and I are not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, we have and continue to build and grow healthy habits for our marriage and family. But - the brutal truth remains. Marriage plus parenting is hard!
That list of suggestions, recommendations, guidelines, commandments - however you want to call them - to follow to ensure a healthy marriage while parenting doesn't work quite like my weekly to-do list does. Oh, believe me, I've tried! In our relationship, I'm the task-list oriented one; the one who keeps us on track in our goals, does periodic evaluations of whether or not we are still on track, and, if not, what we need to change to get back on track! My husband, on the other hand, is the relationship driven one; the who keeps our priorities straight and remembers the simple day to day moments are just as important in fulfilling our long term vision as is keeping track of our goals. We work together well; we compliment each other's strengths, work together on our weaknesses, and generally just enjoy doing life together.
Before I got pregnant, we had timelines and goals in mind to make sure our marriage was in a good place to add another human being to the mix. Granted, there is never the perfect time to have a baby (one can always find an excuse why it might be better to wait, either financially or otherwise), but there were certain things we wanted to have in place first, including ample time together just as a married couple. We sought wisdom and input from other couples whose marriages and families/parenting styles we admire and want to learn from. All that to say, I was as prepared as I could be when our marvel of a son came along and the journey of parenthood began. Prepared enough to know I will never know everything, and the best strategy is to take it one day at a time on most days.
We both LOVE being parents! I was one of those women who was fully prepared to struggle with loving being a mom. I wanted kids, don't get me wrong. It's just that I have places to be and things to do, and I was afraid that being primarily a stay at home mom (something that is important to us for our family) would be a big challenge for me to fully embrace. I definitely have my moments of feeling like I'm not always fulfilling my potential, but the simple fact of being a mom has been so much easier and more fun than I ever anticipated!
So. According to my check-list of understanding, we should sailing along quite smoothly right now:
Compatible as a couple - check
Prioritize our marriage - check
Love being parents - check
Establish rhythms and healthy habits - check (usually ;) )
It's been a short 14 months of marriage with baby, and looking back, there has never been one big thing, or even a series of things, that seems to stand out and give me reason to point a finger at. Pre-baby, we used to rarely argue and were able to work through conflict pretty well. Marriage with baby has found us having to deal with more tension, more conflict, more arguments than before. There is the fact that we spent more than 6 non-consecutive months traveling, not living at home or even having our own space in that timespan. There is also the "little" detail of Miguel taking on a new ministry role and going through the equivalent of a giant career advancement. There is the also the fact that we were dealing with stressful paperwork processes and financial stuff. But these are all things that, pre-baby, wouldn't have been anything to stand out, so I don't see cause to point a finger at them now.
What is it then? Have we simply gotten past the "honeymoon phase"? I hate that expression - truly!
I'm a realist. I know what role endorphins and other hormones play during dating and engagement and so on and so forth. But I also know that I still grin and feel butterflies in my tummy every time my husband walks through the door after work, or sometimes even just when I think about him walking through the door after work. We're firm believers that marriage can be a lifetime of fun doing boring stuff together!
Recently, my ever task oriented, let's fix it, perfection driven brain has been on the hunt for the answer and a solution to 'go back to how it was'. However much I can honestly say parenting has been easier, so far, than either of us expected (our son really is the best little thing ever!), I've found myself needing to accept the fact that it does make marriage harder. We're pouring time, energy, and attention into raising our child well; and although I don't think we've been doing any part of it wrong, that is time, energy, and attention not given to each other. Time, energy, and attention we used to have only for each other is now divided, and it's not a bad thing! It can be a difficult thing, though.
The truth I've found, as I've sought out an answer, is that I don't actually want to go back to how it was. Marriage before baby was sweet, but after baby it's become even sweeter. When I was pregnant, someone told me that parenting will be the best thing my husband and I will ever do together. That parenting is pulling each other close, working through puzzles and challenges together, and celebrating the wins. She told me this right in the middle of so many others telling us the famous "just wait until ___" lines, and I've held onto her words more tightly than she'll ever know. I always say I've fallen in love with my husband all over again watching him be a father, so why would I want to go back to less lovin'?
Do I want less tension? Of course. My answer to helping with that has been finding ways to better keep centering my own soul in Christ. Finding tips specifically for moms in my stage of mommyhood has been helpful with this. When I'm at peace, my home is at peace. When I'm at conflict with myself, my home and marriage suffer the consequences. Are these things my head knew before? Yes. But, that's life, isn't it? Embracing the broken, strengthening through the messy, and growing in grace.
And thank God for a rock star of a husband to do it all with!
