On White Picket Fences and Promises Worth Hoping For

Two weeks ago, after a flight cancellation from Guatemala to Florida then a flight delay from Florida to Michigan, I was finally sitting in my airplane seat for that last leg of the trip home. I had been assigned a middle seat between an older gentleman and his son. They were both very friendly and after the typical 'plane seat-mates questions' (where are you flying to/from, etc) they found out that I was a returning missionary from Guatemala. The questions flew my way after that little bit of information, ensuing in a 'long' conversation consisting mostly of the son asking me questions about living in a foreign country because his daughter really, really wants to go on a missions trip to South America. 

After participating in the conversation here and there and finding out how many of my goals and hopes have to do with long-term ministry work, the older gentleman stated a friendly observance that has stuck with me ever since. 
"You're not a white-picket-fence dream kinda girl are ya." 

Such a simple statement, yet so very true. A white picket fence in front of the suburban, community-oriented family's home complete with lush green lawn and space in the back for hosting summer cookouts is a beautiful picture and wonderful dream. It's the beautiful kind of picture that a lot of people long for and the ones who attain those dreams have the ability to influence the lives of their neighbors, community, church family, school friends, and more. It's a the wonderful safe kind of dream where children can grow up in a loving atmosphere with fond childhood memories and a solid foundation that will carry them far in life. It's a beautiful picture and a wonderful dream. But some people have dreams that look a little different. 

Anyone who knows me well knows a strong-willed human being who often times makes learning simple life lessons much more complicated than they should be; someone who many times has created trouble for herself and those around her in a way that would be easy to avoid if she would just let go of the need to always be right; someone who was thankfully taken in by Jesus cuz if He wouldn't have, heaven knows what would have happened! 

When I was younger, I used to wonder why God 'cursed' me with a strong will and temper that was always and forever getting me into trouble. But as I grow, I learn more and more about how the very attributes that used to cause trouble, when given to God to use for His will and purpose, can be the cause of changed lives and advancement for the His Kingdom. White-picket-fence dreams may be the very dreams God has placed in some people's lives, but it's not what He's placed in mine. Who knows? Maybe one day (yeah, it's very possible my goals will change cuz they have deviated from their planned course before!) a white picket fence is where I'll find myself living out life with every ounce of strong will I possess, but not for now (possibly not for a while - maybe not ever). 

In Proverbs 16:9 it says that in his heart a man plans his way but the Lord directs his steps. White picket fence or not, I wanna follow the steps God has planned for me and I know, with full confidence, that it will be difficult at times. But it will be worth it. No matter where I go. 

You see, it's not about achieving the perfect dream, being the best, or following the crowd. Many of the most influential and inspiring people were the ones who followed that calling on their lives to step out of the norm and live life differently. Missionaries who raised their kids in a thatch-roofed hut, inventors who blew up more things than they built, and a young Carpenter who laid down his right to live life for himself. 

A sweet, servant hearted young lady once gave me a wrist-band with Jeremiah 29:11 printed on it. Every time I wear it, I see the words, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" 

No matter what the dreams, the goals, the vision, the calling may be. No matter what happens or how many times we may find ourselves hanging onto life by our finger-tips. No matter what - those are promises worth hoping for! 

On Expectance

Expectations.

We all expect things every day.

Name any given time of the day and I can probably tell you what your normal expectations are. Your morning? You expect to wake up alive. On any given day, you expect to be able to make your appointments, follow through on your commitments, and reach your goals.

Goals.

We all have them.

It doesn't matter if you have your life mapped out in detail or are just riding it out, making decisions on the whim. We all have goals whether we realize what they are or not. Goals for normal everyday life, goals for future hopes – they come in all kinds of different shapes and sizes.

Goals and expectations run through life hand in hand. We wait with expectance for a commitment to be completed so our goals of tomorrow can be reached.

So, what happens when our goals are disrupted by unmet expectations? What happens when a flight is canceled and an entire schedule of events needs to be shifted and expectations need to be redefined? Or when an accident blocks traffic on the way to work and that all-important deal-making, once in a lifetime meeting needs to be put on hold? What about when you see everything you've worked for your entire life come crashing down around you and you have absolutely no clue what life is about anymore? 

Where do our hopes and expectations lie? 

Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream (longing, desire) fulfilled is a tree of life."  

So often I find myself basing my hopes, dreams, and goals on physical things, events, or people. Then when the inevitable happens and someone lets me down or something doesn't work out as planned, I find myself questioning everything I've ever accomplished, stood for, or hoped in. It's like the inside of me feels sick although I'm still physically healthy. However hard it is when this happens, it serves as a reality check, reminding me of Who I should really be counting on - God. 

When I walk hand in hand with the Maker of the universe - the One who spoke the Earth into motion, breathed the galaxies into existence, and created me with utmost precision - suddenly I see my hopes come to life. Instead of living life in fear of a broken heart and crushed expectations, I realize that I can live with a full expectance that my life will be used for a good above and beyond my capacity of imagination. It's real, true life!

So, what happens when our goals are disrupted by unmet expectations? What happens when that flight is canceled or the meeting is delayed or your life completely falls apart? What about when you're at a crossroads in life and really have no idea how to proceed, when decisions need to be made without much direction, or when everyone is counting on you to figure out and fix the problem? The answer will forever and always be the same. 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may overflow with hope." (Romans 15:13) 

This life isn't supposed to be about circumstances and happenings but rather about Who gave us the very breath we breathe. Each day is a gift. This life is a journey. And we have the freedom to live with unending, undying expectance! 

On Perspective

Right outside my apartment door, there is a balcony overlooking most of Monte Flor which I call the best view on the property (unless you want to hike to the top of the mountain my apartment is built into). I love this spot. In the early mornings as the sun shows its face I can watch the fog in the city a mile away slowly dissipate. If I sit out here very early, I can hear the gate at the end of the driveway creaking as the guard opens it up for the day. The early morning activities are seemingly best seen and heard from this spot. Dogs barking, roosters crowing a late wake-up call, school kids scurrying from their warm houses into the chilly morning air for their walk into town, tuk-tuks (mini taxis) chugging up the road to transport people to work or school, our employees coming to work in groups of 2 or more then hanging out and chatting by the guard house til it's time to clock in. And laughter - I love hearing the laughter of morning greetings! When I first came to live at Monte Flor, all these details were a new routine to get used to. Now, it's normal, it's life. And I'm going to be leaving it - this life, the early morning sounds, the people who have made their way into my heart - in 3 weeks. Three weeks. I've barely been back to this place I call 'home' for 2 months; now time is running out so fast.

kids watching a work project being
completed for their home

In October 2013 - March 2014 I wrote about my family traveling through Mexico to Belize then into Guatemala. During that last week of being here, I blogged about being excited to be going back 'home' for the month of March. I missed 'home' in the States and the people there after being gone for almost 5 months, although I was very excited to be coming back to Guate. shortly after that.
Nine months later, after living and working here for eight months straight, I found myself blogging again about being excited to be going back 'home' to the States for 6 weeks over Christmas and New Year's. Again, I missed where I had grown up calling 'home', my friends, and my family. While I was there, though, I found myself referring to Guatemala as 'home' in my stories and by the end of the 6 weeks was ready to be back.

one of the faces that steal my heart

I knew I was going to be here for only almost 3 months - not a long time compared to living here for over a year. But just how short that time would seem didn't really hit me till I walked into my apartment one day and realized that it was then February already and the days were only getting fuller and busier.

I only have 3 short weeks here - weeks filled with working on the job site with teams and goofing off with the guys on our works crews who always seem to be laughing at or making fun of something; weeks to fill with memories teaching the sweet ladies in our kitchen new recipes while talking about life, God, hopes, and plans; weeks that only hold a few extra days for me to visit families in our Bethany Program one last time with Henry and Gloria, the ones I refer to as my coworkers even when we haven't worked together in a while; weeks that only seem like days to try to prepare myself to say good-bye to the people who have become like family, Rachel, the Pattersons, Ron, Tammy and Rylee, and so many more. I tell them I don't like thinking about it cuz when I do, like this morning, Rachel finds me on my bedroom floor crying.

Henry and Gloria building a
latrine for a Bethany family

Three short weeks. I've been given a gift.

My perspective last year when I blogged about the View from the Mountaintop was that time here seemed forever. A good forever. I was excitedly anticipating the relationships formed, time spent with people, memories made, and lessons learned. But it was all new. Now it's 'home'. Now I wonder if I made a difference. Now as they ask me when I'll be back, I can only say hopefully in a year to visit but I don't know. Now my heart feels like it's being torn.

sharing the Gospel with a family who
just received a new home

The perspective from looking at something as a beginning and then a year later looking at the same something as an ending is so vastly different! I am excited to be moving back to the States, seeing my family and friends, and Lord willing, moving to ND in May sometime to start a new beginning, a new something. But dealing with the end of this something - the here and now - hurts. That's what makes the now so precious.

One of God's greatest gifts to mankind is time. And I've been given the gift of three more weeks in the place I now call 'home.' My prayer each morning is to spend that time wisely as an amazing gift I will never get back. While conflicting emotions rage, my soul has found peace - peace in the hands of the Giver of time. 'Home' will change often as long as I'm here on this earth. But one day. One day, time will be no more! But until then, what am I doing right now? 

if eyes are the windows to the soul, it is only common-sense to realize
that what catches your eye is what you treasure as beautiful

On the Meaning of Worship

Everything that could have possibly gone wrong did.

At 9:45, only fifteen minutes before the service was supposed to start, she found herself running to almost the furthest house on the property to grab the third - THIRD - computer as a last ditch but hopeful effort that it would work with the new projector.

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It wasn't necessarily the projector's fault. The gift had come in with the team on Saturday afternoon and was working great. The main problem was that the cable available wasn't the correct hook-up needed for her computer or the roommate's computer. The attempt at using a thumb drive proved futile unless the song lyrics included a picture.

On Saturday evening, after multiple attempts at different formats and the final plan being to download pictures then edit the lyrics onto them, the roommate figured out how to use the cable to hook up the projector to the AppleTV 'box', then remotely hook up a computer to it using the available wifi. Since the original work was on a computer not compatible with said 'box', she decided to make new copies of the powerpoints needed in the morning without trying to mess with transferring the original work. She knew it would be easier than the picture idea and was already getting a little irritable from trying to figure out what was going wrong. Better to leave it like it was - after all, the test run worked.

While hanging out with the neighbors that night, she and the roommate were readily happy to find out that an extra computer had the needed hook-up and would work with the cable! But since they had already figured out a viable plan for the morning and most of the work was done, they decided to leave it as it was and wait to use said computer till next time.

While falling asleep that night, she felt so thankful for the much-anticipated projector and the assurance that all should go well in the morning. With a feeling of excitement that always comes with using something new for the first time, she prayed habitually yet sincerely, "God, take charge of tomorrow. It's Your service, not any of ours - please help us to understand that."

In the morning after uttering a similar prayer, she wrapped up the unfinished lyrics and checked over the finalized copies of the chord sheets to make sure everything was in order. Everything was seemingly ready for setup down in the 'center' where services would be taking place in an hour. One of the team members was going to be playing with her and the roommate so if everything went well with setup, they should be able to print out the chord sheets and run through the songs one more time before everyone showed up. Her biggest concern was that the internet had been spotty the night before and they needed a good signal in order to have the projector work.

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Forty-five minutes later as she headed back to the 'center' with the third computer, the one that had the correct hook-up for the available cable, the internet working properly was the last thing on her mind!

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Problem number one came in when she couldn't find the extension cord. Prior to this morning, it had always been with her keyboard or at least in the same room. At the same time, chairs had been set up in the 'warm room' with the light green walls instead of the large 'hall' with the white walls. Without the extension cord she couldn't double check to make sure the lyrics would show up on the green walls and they wouldn't have to set up in the 'hall' - without the extension cord no lyrics would be showing up on any walls! Mr. J who is in Guate. with his wife for 2 months, came in after she had searched high and low for said cord. He saw her frustration and sweetly offered to run get a different cord out of storage for her.

Meanwhile, to save time, she set up the roommate's computer and hooked up the 'box' to the projector. Since it wasn't her computer, she wasn't sure how to set up the remote access. She also realized that she'd left the keys to the office, where the printer was located, up at her house. At this point Mr. J showed up with the extension cord. After shutting all the blinds, she was relieved to find that the lyrics showed up on the green walls almost as well as on the white ones so they would be able to stay in the 'warm room.'

After messing around with the focus and other projector details, the roommate arrived. She quickly ran up to her house to grab the keys and informed the roommate that she hadn't been able to figure out how the remote access worked. A few minutes later, she came back with the key only to find that the remote access signal wasn't there - as if it had never existed. It might have been the wifi but other devices seemed to have a great connection. The techy guy on the team couldn't even figure out why it wasn't working. The signal just wasn't there!

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"God, this is out of our hands. You can make good come out of this, right? Please let this third computer work!"
It was 9:45. Fifteen minutes to search the web for pre-made powerpoints and hope the layout would work for what they had practiced
"Please, no more hang ups!"

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"None of the 3 printers work," the roommate informed her as she walked back into the 'center' for what felt like the upteenth time, "so, we can't print out our chord sheets. We'll just have to scroll on the computer as we go." And, of course one of the songs wasn't available in powerpoint format anywhere online - no where!

People were showing up and there was little time left to find another song. At least the computer, hook up, and everything else involved was working! But what other song?

The team member was playing one of the guitars, warming up while she and the roommate figured everything out. "10,000 Reasons" - the title of the exact song he was softly singing jumped out at her as she was searching for powerpoints. They'd played it multiple times before and had the chord sheets already printed. Perfect! She set it up on the screen while everyone was sitting down, knowing in her heart that this had to be their opening song.


"Good morning! So, everything that could have possibly gone wrong this morning did! I couldn't find what I needed for what we had originally planned as an opening song, but there is always a reason to praise God, no matter what, so if you could all stand, we'll open with prayer and get the service started with the song 10,000 Reasons."

When I had prayed the night before, asking God to take charge of the morning service, I had no idea that there was even a possibility of so many things going wrong! But every time, when the next thing went wrong, there was this check in my heart reminding me, "You gave this morning to God, He'll take care of it." Was I stressed? Of course! I worried that things would never work out. But at the same time, I trusted. Maybe not as much as I should have but during this morning's worship service, my faith grew incredibly and I learned a little nugget that I'd know in my head but only now seemed to reach my heart.

Worship goes so far beyond Sunday morning and singing songs - I knew that. I would have told you that at any given time. But as the presence of God filled that room this morning and His name was glorified in a breathtakingly beautiful anthem of people praising His name I knew, I knew, if I hadn't been forced - physically, emotionally forced - to release all control and completely rely on Christ, that sweet, beautiful presence of God wouldn't have been felt so strongly in my own heart.
To sing together with other believers who love Jesus is always a precious experience. But to realize that true worship (worshiping with our day to day lives, with our daily conversations, with our 'spiritual acts of worship [Romans 12:1] ) is true complete surrender, at times won't hit home until everything is taken out of our control and put into His hands. But when it is, when that happens, the doors swing wide open for Him to take control and refresh and revive the hearts of His people! Then - when that happens - everyone knows it is not because of 'me'. Then - when that happens - everyone knows without questioning that God is why we are here - that God is why...



P.S. Even though I personally thought I did a good job of not spreading my tenseness, sweet Mr. Jeff gave me a big hug several hours later and said he was glad it all worked out! All God - He knows I love hugs ;)
Oh, and the remote access on Rachel's computer is working again...in case you were wondering :} 

On Life and Death

It happens so fast...

Just tonight, while scrolling through my newsfeed I read the awesome news that some recently married friends of mine are expecting their first child! I did the usual thing to do, posted a congratulations (or something similar) then continued to scroll. 
Only a few posts later, I read the shocking news that the brother of my cousin's fiancee passed away in a drowning accident today. In less than 5 minutes, the feeling of great excitement at the news of new life was replaced with pure shock, then heartache. It took a few minutes for the news to really set in before the tears came. 

I didn't know him very well. More of an acquaintance than a friend. 
I know two of his sisters a little better - you know, like when we see each other at a mutual friend's wedding or something similar we say hi and ask how it's going. When I started crying it wasn't because suddenly my life is going to change...really, it probably won't much at all. But that didn't lessen the blow of knowing that someone who was alive, healthy, and well suddenly isn't on Earth anymore - in a matter of minutes, the world turned upside down for the family of a son, brother, and friend. 

When a good friend of mine unexpectedly passed away 5 years ago, I remembered every detail. The last-minute goodbyes as our families headed home from a weekend church retreat. The 3 days of praying and wondering if she would wake up from the coma or not. The many tears and nights of questioning why - why her? During the days surrounding her funeral, person after person, literally everyone who knew her, had only memories of her sweet giving, serving spirit. I remember questioning myself - asking myself what people would say about my life if I passed away within a matter of days, minutes. 

While I don't know what to say when it comes to losing a loved one I do know this - life matters. 
And since death is a part of life, everytime I'm faced with it, I have to ask, are we prepared for it? We can probably never be fully prepared to lose a loved one, so I'm not asking that. What I'm asking is, what if it would be me? What if it would be you? I need to ask myself if I'm prepared for my death. Because the way I answer that also answers the question of if I'm living my life as if it really mattered...
[I] have set before you life and death... Therefore choose life... (Deuteronomy 30:19) 

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." ~Jesus 
(Matthew 11:28)