Learning to Breathe

It happened when I realized I felt short of breath after sitting down all day. 

Rearview Mirror

It had been a day of training for new responsibilities, while at the same time reconstructing some personal paperwork I had lost, plus taking snippets of time here and there to work on wedding organizational details. Days like this are normal for me, but I had a million and five other things going through my head relating to so much that's happening "behind the scenes" that when I closed my computer at 8pm, stood up, and gulped in a big lungful of air, I realized I couldn't remember the last time I had really taken an actual breath. 
Had it been a few minutes ago or not since that morning? I had no clue! But I did realize that I'd forgotten to breathe. 
When I hit times like the present - times spilling over with fullness of not only work and job transitions but also living transitions and planning a wedding (wait! my wedding! yippee!) - I naturally give in to the tendency to become a workaholic and consumed with all the tasks in front of me while forgetting to do little things like eat a decent meal, sleep a decent night's sleep, and...breathe...
...deeply breathe. 

Roll with It

Miguel told me the other day as we were driving home from our last pre-marital counseling session, "You're really tense. You need to relax." We were in the middle of discussing work/responsibility/roles/life/ministry transitions and even though he's seen me go through a lot of ups and downs, stress and worry, and has had to deal with several melt-downs in the last year, he told me something he hadn't said before, "You've been pretty impatient recently. Breathe, Rose. You need to just breathe." 


I've been reading the book of Daniel.

One Mr. and Mrs. Coming Up

Wait, what does that have to do with breathing, you ask? 
While not much may be written in the book of Daniel about the inhale/exhale process our lungs require, I've been constantly scribbling notes at every turn of the page on how utterly, unfathomably all-powerful God is and how He proves it in these pages. Daniel's complete, all-consuming dedication to the one, true God makes me sit there speechless - and I'm only a few chapters in. 
The one common factor I find before any grand interpretation Daniel gives a king is the time he takes beforehand to pray. He pauses. He is quiet. He asks for time. Later on (because I know how the story goes) we find out that it's a habit for him to take time to pray three times a day. 
Time to breathe. 

When I open my curtain in the morning and sit on my carpet, it's all too easy to allow my mind to wander to everything on my schedule for the day. I catch myself doing it, then try to tune into hearing what God is saying again - only to find myself making a mental note to write so and so an email, then call that person, then...and I decide I don't have time to sit there much longer. 

Breathe, My Soul

Praying is like breathing. Or at least it should be. 
"Pray without ceasing" means we are in constant communication with our Father, just like our lungs are constantly breathing air, even when we don't think about it. Then there are those times that we take an extra deep breath to fill our lungs and stretch our arms or neck and shoulders, just like we should be pausing to check in more with our Father who probably has a lot to tell us by then. And just like those times when we crawl between the crisp, clean sheets of our comfortable beds after a long day and allow the sweetness of rest to deepen our breathing, there are times - regular, habitual times -that sitting hand-in-hand in the presence of God brings the sweet rejuvenation and recharge our tired souls need that nothing else can come close to. 


So breathe, my soul, breathe. 

Finding Peace

What does peace look like?

When I imagine peace, I go back to one of the many autumn evenings I spent sitting in a tree-stand in mid-Michigan, listening to squirrels chattering, nuts falling, branches cracking, and leaves rustling in the breeze. My eyes and ears were alert to any movement since deer are generally quiet, nervous creatures and could easily slip in and out behind me without noticing. The sun getting lower in the sky and finally that moment of twilight would catch a sound in time, maybe the first croak of the night frogs, that would seem to make everything hold its breath and pause - for just a small second. And I was grateful to be alive in this great big beautiful world.

Peace is easy to imagine that way. Anyone with a love of the country knows that a walk, bike ride, or car ride with the windows down on back-ways and dirt roads has no equal. There's nothing like watching a sunset on top of a ridge in the prairies of North Dakota with only animal noises and bird music and wind around you. It clears the mind and makes everything stop for a second - allows you to catch your breath and renew your vigor for life again. God's very finger shows up like no other way in these moments and the awe of just how great and glorious and all powerful He is wraps around your heart.


But what about when I'm not in those places?
Here, I live on a dirt road, but that's because the small roads in the Dominican Republic in general may or may not be kept up. There are sounds of construction on yet another hotel/condo going up kitty-corner to my front door that sometimes don't stop until 10 o'clock at night - especially when they're pouring cement...(not a fun sound). Animal noises mostly consist of barking dogs and fighting street cats.

The beach. That's a beautiful place and one I go to. The lapping waves and sound of the wind in the palms is not overrated most times.
But what to do when much of the time there are a lot of other people hanging out by shores as well? Everywhere I look, there are people. On crowded streets, behind blaring horns, even when lying on my bed at night I can hear voices drift by from some activity or other going on not too far away.

I am not ungrateful in anyway. But where is there a place of peace in a growing tourist town?


And I've been in desperate need of some peace.
The winds of change have been hitting more like a hurricane force storm. Change that was expected turns out completely differently than planned. Unplanned for, life-altering change gets thrown in with enough force to knock any unsuspecting person down. Exciting change brings transition which brings growing pains which is enough in and of itself. 
In Numbers 11:23 God asks Moses, "Is the Lord's arm too short? Now you will see whether or not what I say will come true for you." He's been asking me the same question lately. 


This morning while riding to work with tears streaming down my face under my helmet, horns blaring around me, in the middle of congested traffic, I asked God to give me a little peace. He had asked me to entrust everything to Him, again, the evening before while I was sitting on my bed and wondering what life will look like in a mere 3 months - if what I think it will look like, or thought it should look like, will even be relevant. He promised a peace that passes understanding in the Bible and as I hung on to that promise and trusted that what He says is true, in the middle of the noise and chaos, stress and worry, I felt peace. There wasn't a moment in time pause or washing calm, but there was peace. Was it magical? No. Was it breathtaking? No. But it was real. It is real.


Peace doesn't come automatically. It's something we train ourselves to find through trust and confidence in God and His promises through His spoken word. But it's real. I can't explain it, but it's worth having. And it helps the breathing to come steadily back.

Dear Daddy

As I sit looking out over the ocean and listen to the wind rustle in the tall palms behind me and the waves slap the shore in front of me, my mind and heart wander to Your side. Will it get easier? Will the hole in my heart become less noticeable anytime soon?
I still cry whenever I write the words "my youngest brother died." A conversation is easier in many ways because it's reciting fact; although it's still hit or miss whether or not the tears refuse to be held back. But when I think about it... When I pull back and let the course of events of this past month run through my head...the piercing, tearing pain is just as real as when I heard my sister's voice tell me five Sundays ago, "they were hit by a truck and Anthony didn't make it."

There are so many changes happening this year. Life holds so many new turns and I'm excited to see where You're leading and what adventures You have in store.
Then I remember there's always going to be someone missing...will that ever seem normal?
I'm not sad for him. I know his goofy grin is being spread all over heaven as he marvels at all the creations he never even began to imagine existed.
I don't cry for him. I cry for me. For the fact that You left me behind. For the fact that a hole will always exist this side of heaven. That at every life changing turn, someone will be missing.

I don't doubt that You're good, and that Your plan is perfect. I don't doubt your presence. As I listen to the waves and wind, Your peace inside of me is overwhelming and Your grace as been my lifeline.
I just wonder what life will be like. Because it will never be the same...

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." ~Jesus 
(Matthew 11:28) 

"And since death is a part of life, every time I'm faced with it, I have to ask, are we prepared for it? We can probably never be fully prepared to lose a loved one, so I'm not asking that. What I'm asking is, what if it would be me? What if it would be you? I need to ask myself if I'm prepared for my death. Because the way I answer that also answers the question of if I'm living my life as if it really mattered..." [excerpt from On Life and Death - written in 2015]

I Am Thankful...

...because this year's Thanksgiving sequel is pretty much the complete opposite to last year's The Worst Thanksgiving Day Ever
...because this year we did take a day to reflect on our blessings and spend the day with the people who are family
...because this year we had an oven that worked to make food. This year we DID have turkey and stuffing and gravy and pumpkin pie

...because this year we have a large vehicle that works great and got us through the flooded streets without a problem

...because this year the house was full of laughter and cheer and dancing (lots of dancing!) - no tears of frustration

...because this year while I was in the kitchen helping to cook a Thanksgiving Day feast, I could hear staff and girls alike singing praises to Jesus during morning worship

...for a team who constantly reflects the love of Jesus to the world around us, even when it gets tough, and the job seems a thankless one; people who have become like family, from housemoms and cooks to social workers and counselors to teachers and administrative staff and our day guard/groundskeeper - last year we were 4 and have now grown to 14

...for the girls whose lives we are able to impact, even without knowing how far the ripple effect will go, who hold a piece of my heart wherever they are and will ever be - all 22 of them

...that we live in a time of technology and communication with family and friends "back home" is easier than ever

...that God has called me "for a time such as this" and that He keeps increasing opportunities and gaining ground
...that there are good days that outweigh the bad and times of rest when our souls need refreshment

And I am thankful for Miguel.
cliche, I know. 

But he has stuck around for ten months, through the chaos and tears and happiness and smiles and frustration and anger and laughing and dancing, and somehow managed to keep up with it all and still want to get down on one knee and ask for a lifetime of putting up with me. If this year has been any kind of reflection of how the next 10+ will go...baby, hold on to your seat cuz it's gonna be a wild ride!

It's hard to know where to stop. We wouldn't be here without the worst bad days. We wouldn't be here without a reason bigger than ourselves. 
And I Am Thankful. For the pain as well as the joy.

To quote last year's post:
"One thing I know - He is everything. The Son of the living, active, doing God. 
He is strength. And He is peace in the storm.
He is the one who commands the winds and the waves to be quiet and tells the father of a dead daughter, "Do not fear. Just believe." 

Refreshment

A week ago yesterday, I was at the office for my first day of work back after three weeks of vacation covering most of the month of September. Those three weeks were very much needed and last Friday as I made rounds of conversation with each staff member, getting updates on how things went while I was away, they all commented on how energized and refreshed I seemed! And I definitely noted the difference in myself as well. God is good! 

The first week and a half of vacation was spent traveling all along the northern states from MI west to WA. God in His amazing way worked out the entire trip so that I was able to visit everyone I had on my list to see this time around, and more! 

I landed in MI just before midnight on a Wednesday and was able to spend Thursday with my parents and four younger siblings, catching up on what's happened since I was last there for New Year's.

Less than 24 hrs after landing in Flint, I was on the road in Micky the motorhome with two of my brothers and their wives heading to ND for our cousin's wedding taking place that Saturday.

We arrived Friday evening at our sister and brother-in-law's place joining another brother and his family who traveled up from TX, another sister and her hubby, and several cousins and extended family. It was a fun-filled weekend with lots of laughs, memories, and celebration!

On Monday morning my best friend from childhood and I stashed our stuff into her car and hit the road heading west to MT to visit our other bestie. We burst in on her little home early evening and stayed awake til midnight talking and catching up, even though we had to take off at 5 the next morning for a day trip to WA. 

Some very good friends of ours' little toddler son was in the PICU in Seattle and I didn't want to miss the opportunity to visit them since I was "so close" anyway. Tuesday in Seattle was a cheery, sunny day and the few hrs. spent with our friends was worth the 16 hr round trip. 

We got back to our bestie's home in MT in the wee hrs of Wednesday morning and spent the next two days chilling and making memories with her and her sweet little family.

I was home in ND once again by Saturday, in time to spend the day at the farmer's market with my sister and niece. 

That Sunday I was given the opportunity to share at my home church, Northland Harvest Church, about some of the things God has been teaching me in the work here. The following Sunday was spent with the body of believers at Open Gate Church who have been faithful in support and have sent many prayers our way. Both times were such sweet hours of refreshing spent in the Holy Spirit's presence and receiving uplifting encouragement from many people I hadn't seen in a year. 

The week in between those two Sundays was filled with precious time spent with my sisters' and the rest of my family who lives in ND. Mixed into all the time of rejuvenation, both in needed alone time and needed family and friends time, I gained a deeper gratitude for each person who has been so faithfully supportive of this journey God has set me on. When I first got to ND for my cousin's wedding, several people commented on how quiet and withdrawn I seemed. To go from that to hearing staff and girls, three weeks later, comment on how energetic I was when I got back to my Dominican home is the kind of soul refreshing time only love through people can bring.

In the week since being back, changes keep happening in the home and ministry as a whole and the strange feeling of being halfway through my two-year commitment has hit me. Next year, I will need to make a decision as to whether or not to continue working here with this ministry. My boyfriend and I have been praying for clear direction for both of us, separately and together, in knowing what opportunities God has for the future in ministry, location, and life in general. Yesterday morning as I was journeling, God reminded me of how important it is to wait on Him. Sometimes we don't know what the future will hold - whether it will continue the same or change - but waiting on Him is the discipline He always teaches me when these questions start coming around and my "wanting to know" tendency kicks in. 

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!