Dear Kai,
It's still difficult for me to wrap my mind around the fact that you came out of my body and into our arms a year ago today. I wrote a different post on how that all happened, so I won't gross you with the details in this letter ;) There is something about that moment, though, when I heard your first sharp cry and laid my eyes on your reddish purplish little body with that head of straight black hair. The first emotion I remember was sheer joy - I cried tears of pure happiness that you were actually out and I could finally hold you in my arms. The next thing I remember feeling was overwhelming love. Parents have said it so much it's almost become a cliche, but that day I realized there is a very real truth in the statement, "You don't realize how strong love is until you have your own child and experience the love of a parent." I remember knowing there is never anything you could ever do that would make me love you any less. I remember wondering how I could love you any more without my heart bursting out of my chest. Yet, somehow, today as I held your sleeping (sorta) little self and laid you in your crib, I realized I love you even more now than I did then, however impossible that seems.
I'm tearing up right now just remembering those first precious moments - how you stopped crying as soon as I pulled you up to my chest and said, "Hey buddy!"; how your eyes were wide open and taking e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. in from the start; how your gaze immediately shot to where Daddy was standing behind my shoulder when he started talking. You stayed awake for FIVE HOURS! You wanted to be in on everything that was going on - and you still do, a year later! About once a month or so, your Tio Guilamo sees you copy something or pick up on something super fast and can't help shaking his head and saying, "Ese muchacho es observador!"
Sometimes Daddy and I go to bed and talk about something we watched you learn that day and ask each other, "How has he gotten so big so fast? How did he learn that thing already?" Daddy has lately been especially realizing how much you adore him and want to do everything he does; I call you his shadow. Nothing makes my heart swell bigger than watching you and Daddy together. You hand him his tools when he fixes things or works in the garden; you take him books to look at when he leaves his office door open; and you happily wave good-bye to me when he takes you with him to places. Anywhere he is, you are there or you want to be there. It is such a beautiful picture of the love between God our Father and us His children. I get a little happy feeling every time someone says you look like Daddy and (not so) secretly hope you grow up to be very much like him.
You're not a baby anymore, no matter how much I want you to be. Even though I sometimes tell you you need to stop growing so fast, you make me fiercely proud in how fast you are learning and understanding things around you. You LOVE your "First 100 Words" book and bring it to me in the mornings so we can lift the flaps and look at the pictures. You especially love learning animal noises. Earlier this week, after learning how to bark like a puppy for a few days, you saw our neighbor's puppy on the street and squealed so loudly!! You were so excited to finally see a puppy in real life instead of just on the pages of your books, now that you knew what sound they make and had something to associate the puppy with.
You love people more than any of your toys - even when the toys are super exciting for a day, like your little 4-wheeler Daddy got you yesterday. I pray we are able to cultivate and encourage that sign of love for people in you so you learn to always treasure people more than things as you grow.
You are unafraid. You love climbing. You push boundaries. You are stubborn. You learn quickly. You love to help. You are SO affectionate and give the best hugs and kisses. You are very compassionate and hate seeing people hurting or crying. In the evenings, when I pray over you as you fall asleep, I pray for wisdom from the Lord to know how to bring out these qualities and not stifle them. My greatest fear as a parent is squashing your potential. It's a fear that reminds me quietly that I will never be the perfect parent, so my goal must be to point you to the Father who is.
I pray so many things over you. But the greatest of them all is my prayer that you learn to love Jesus and live richly in relationship with him. There is nothing greater I can model for you.
In the span of time, one year may not seem long, but this is the only first year we will ever get with you. I want you to know how much of a treasure each day has been. Before you came along, I used to think I'd feel stifled being a mom and losing sleep and changing so many diapers and having so much time wrapped up in one little person - but you've made all that a privilege, truly. I love being your mom and I'm so proud that you're my son.
I will always love you.
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Isaiah6:8 And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here I am! Send me.”
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